Don't Wish It away

It's still the year 2020.  And I get it, it's been a hard year and there's still 2 1/2 months left! Our lives have been disrupted, people are selfish, our "rights" have been at stake more than ever, and who knew we could bake banana bread? We've had to cancel plans, vacations, school, get groceries delivered, invest in toilet paper and hand sanitizer. We've endured countless hours of "information" from officials, waged war on our social media platforms, de-friended "friends," blocked family members, and complained about being lonely all while social distancing. This was-no IS the year we found what we're made of.

Regardless if we were ready or not, this year showed us that we were not prepared or equipped to handle for what a lot of people already call life. We watched from our living rooms as our country literally began to fall apart. 2020 was-no IS the year where generations from all sides, banded together to fight for their causes, march in the streets, and burn buildings just to be heard. 2020 was-no IS the year people continue to wish away.

Then there's me, getting in a round of IVF before all procedures were canceled, finding out we're pregnant during a "pandemic," learning how to navigate this "new normal" with a 5 year old. You know what? I found a new appreciation for sidewalk chalk, jams, homemade cleaners, the outdoors, supporting local, and my neighbors. I watched as my husband took his free time and taught our daughter how to grow grass, build a shed/playhouse, and brave the unknown as an "essential worker."  Together we tried to shelter Eloise from "the virus" physically and emotionally. Her little life was halted when Preschool stopped, when she couldn't see her friends or play with her cousins, and was forced to connect with others via the computer-something we never let her touch prior to covid.  

In my personal prayer time I have begged God to alter this time we find ourselves in. I too have had moments of despair and depression. I've also been perplexed, confused, and angry when I hear people complaining. We live in a time where you can make more money not working than working.  You don't have to go hungry, there's literally a food pantry every day of the week if you need it. You're bored? How? There have been so many opportunities to take FREE classes, meet new people, chat across the world via zoom,  catch up on your hobbies, learn a new skill, write letters, read a book, check in with friends. All the things we complain about not having enough time to do. Instead we make meme's, binge watch, lay around, criticize everyone and everything, we found out what we were made of. We continue to wish the remaining months away so we can have a different outlook, new goals to pursue, to be better. But what if 2021 isn't going to be "better?"

So here's my charge friends, let's cherish the remaining months and fill them with compassion, friendship, giving, and gratefulness. Make everyday a beautiful memory that you once wished for. Find peace within your soul and tackle those demons. Don't wait until New Years to start getting healthy-get moving and introduce fresh air and produce into your life. Embrace the wonder of the world around you-get outside, take a walk, stop and smell the flowers, hug a tree for the fun of it. Learn something new-challenge your mind no matter how long it's been or how old you are. Fight for connection-call your grandma, write a letter to your friend, be apart of your community while keeping safe.  Dance in the kitchen with your significant other, cuddle your children no matter what age they are, be present when someone is talking to you, invest in yourself and others. Let's remind 2020 who we are and that while we wished it was better, we became better people because of it!

38 Weeks and Counting

Our little/BIG man

How are we feeling?
This is a loaded question because I am FULL of complaints. I hurt so bad and wonder if my bones are breaking from the inside. Pregnancy takes it toll on your body in ways you  never imagined and this pregnancy is sooooo different than it was with Eloise. Water is my life source and I've come full circle as fruit is the only thing that sounds good. I'm also feeling like I might be too old for this....

What's up with the bump?

Little man or I should say BIG man is measured to be weighing 8 pounds 90z already! Because I am scheduled for a c-section, they will continue to let him grow. This means my stomach is HUGE and he could end up weighing close to 10 pounds when born. I cannot wait to get this show on the road and be able to walk more than 10 minutes before collapsing in pain.

What crazy thing did we recently learn?
That everything for baby comes in giant cardboard boxes. We literally have a truck full of cardboard that we need to get rid of.  We also learned that our car was not going to fit our growing family and bought a new one!  Our neighbor works for a dealership and got us a great deal. It's nice to have something bigger for our growing family. You can see how enormous my belly is in this picture!

Subject I'm not ready to think about?

Being stuck in the house for another 5 months. Between winter and covid, I wonder if we will ever get out! At least Theodore will be someone new to keep us occupied, but this outgoing mama misses people!

Big Daddy's Take:
"As of late I have been thinking about the differences in raising a girl vs. a boy. I can think of many moments where I have positioned Eloise to see other women doing things that would encourage her that she could do as well, but as I think of Theodore I find that I will have to be that example of the type of person he can become. I've looked at other women as being Eloise's teachers, but with Theo I will have to be that. "

Big Sister's Take: 

"I love him with my whole heart, will always keep him safe, tell him about God, and hope he comes soon!" For the record, she's already picked out his Halloween costume to match hers as well as Christmas jammies! Eloise also got to practice feeding her new baby cousin Jaydn-my sister Racheals newest bundle and we are excited to have our boys two weeks apart. 

34 Weeks and Counting!

 How are we feeling?

Large and in charge!  My belly is HUGE even thought the little guys is only 5 1/2 pounds. I'm tired and running short on brain cells. Getting off the ground is hilarious to watch and Eloise gets a kick out of all my moaning and groaning. I also feel accomplished having started schooling Eloise and getting the boy's room done at the same time. Also wondering if there's life after laundry???

LOVE those chubby cheeks already!

What's up with the bump?

There's some confusion with our umbilical cord issue. Several doctors are weighing in and our due date has changed twice. Let's just say it could be anytime between Sept. 29th-October 14th.  While baby boy is growing "beautifully," we are still watching and waiting to see how things progress. I go in twice a week to monitor growth and this little guy refuses to participate.  So, the monitor appointments go longer than planned. Boys!

What crazy thing did we recently learn?
So much has changed since we had Eloise.  Anywhere from hospital test/protocols to new nursery items. So many things we never had with Eloise, we now have with him. Also, boys clothes aren't as fun as girl clothes...

Subject I'm not ready to think about?

Even less sleep than what I'm already getting.

Big Sister's Take:

"Im excited when he finally comes out!" So many people ask if she's excited and while she is, she is over waiting for him to come out.  It seems she's counting down the days just like Mama and Daddy are! She's also been "practicing" with her baby dolls and brings them everywhere!

Here are a few photos from my sister and I's maternity shoot

25 Weeks and Counting!

We've got another thumb sucker!!! (24 weeks)

 How are we feeling?

Between the heat and where he likes to position himself, I'm pretty uncomfortable for only being half way through!  The heat is unbearable and I look like I took a shower every time I'm out for more than 25 minutes.  He then likes to nestle pretty low and karate chop me to the point where I've gotta run to the bathroom every 10 minutes.  It doesn't matter where we are, if I'm running, it's because he's practicing his moves.  I had a short hospital overnighter due to dehydration and vertigo.  It was awful, but we both mad it through and love being back home.

What's up with the bump?

We received great news at our last appointment! We had been worried about the umbilical cord situation as it does not allow the nutrients to get to him as needed and he was measuring a week behind. At this last appointment he had caught up and was measuring on target!  We also were treated to quite the show during the ultrasound. Baby boy sure is flexible! He showed us his special skill-sucking his toes!!!

What crazy thing did we recently learn?
We recently realized how much stuff we still need for this baby!  Even though we had Eloise, we either let friends borrow or donated because 5 years a long time to wait and hold on to all that stuff. We have several friends and family members already reaching out to give us hand me downs or let us borrow bigger items for the time being, trying to keep track is overwhelming!

Subject I'm not ready to think about?

Diapers. Prices have gone up a bit since Eloise wore them and I already have had several conversations about disposal vs. cloth. My thought on this? You do you girlfriend and I'll do me-that way we're both happy.

Big Daddy's Take:

In constant prayer for my wife and son. Can't wait to meet him!

BIG sister has been training for this moment her "whole life!" 

Eloise recently turned five and said the best part about being five is that she "gets a baby brother."

20 Weeks and Counting

The best picture we could get-He didn't want to cooperate!

How are we feeling?

Mama is feeling the stretching of ligaments and belly begin!  This little guy is beginning to take up more residence which seems to cause some discomfort and lack of sleep. The nausea that was so prevalent up until two weeks ago has gone-thank GOD-and while my appetite has returned, I can't eat as much as I want due to already feeling full from this little guy. Overall, I feel pretty good!

What's up with the bump?

Little man is a sleepy ninja!  He rests and then with no warning, begins his karate moves! While Daddy and Big Sister are anxious to feel him, I'm enjoying this special time just with him-even if it hurts or sends me running to the bathroom. Little brother also gets serenaded every night and hugged or talked to multiple times a day by "Big Sissy."  He also is referred too as Little Brother because we cannot agree on a name for him! If it was up to Eloise, she would name him Chancho-which means Spanish for Pig. 

What crazy thing did we recently learn?

We found out at our 20 week appointment that we have what's called a Marginal Umbilical Cord.  This means that the umbilical cord attaches to the edge of the placenta instead of the center. The doctor has suggested that I come in every 4 weeks to check his growth and make sure he is getting the nutrients he needs.  I may also have to wear a monitor every so often. We are believing that he will catch-up and be the strong warrior we believe he is.

Subject I'm not ready to think about?
Hot weather and bedroom assignments.  We have had a few days that reached the 80's and while I usually don't turn air on until it reaches 90, I flipped that switch at 75! Then there's the bedroom issue.  Should Eloise move upstairs? Should we all move upstairs? Should they share a room? We just want everyone safe and within reach.

Big Daddy's Take:
"I have a feeling this is an actions based child.  With as much fight as we were given during the ultrasound process and how Kassie has been feeling, he's going to be a lot like his Mama!"

Mothers Day~What I Want You To Know

For some, Mother's Day is just another day or a holiday made up by the "card people" to make money. For some, it's a chance to lavish praise and gifts upon the woman who gave birth to you or for others, it's a day of mourning the mother they lost too soon or never really had. As I look back upon my life, I realize there were different stages to how I "celebrated" and there's a couple things I want you to know about Mother's Day.  In no particular order....

1.  Out of the entire year, it's one day to celebrate the woman you call mom.  Not necessarily the woman who gave birth to you, but the one who raised you. So many people have come into my life that have been adopted and this day can be hard for them because they celebrate the woman who raised them, but still want to honor the woman who gave birth and made the sacrifice to give them a better life.  The same goes for my friends who've adopted and while they are so excited to celebrate themselves, they also are thinking of the "other" woman. Mother's Day can be tricky like that.

2.  Mother's Day can be a day of mourning for those who've lost their mother too soon or those whose relationship is strained. This day can be met with hesitation and dread as they think about what this day means and they have no one to celebrate with. May I suggest we celebrate the woman who ARE in our lives and those who've taken us under their wing loving us through these difficult days?  Mother's Day can be for them too.

3. Not everyone who wants to celebrate Mother's Day can.  We want to, but infertility stands in our way or circumstances are not what we thought they would be at this point.  For the first 14 years of my marriage, I felt embarrassed, sad, shamed every time this day showed up. Shame is a multi-headed beast that rears mocking women on this day while we cry ourselves to sleep wishing we could be holding a child of our own. Mother's Day can be hard.

4. Being pregnant on Mother's Day can make one hesitant to celebrate the day.  Does pregnancy count?  Does the human in your belly make you a mother or only when it's born?  Does your baby daddy get you a gift?  Mother's day can be confusing.

5. When I celebrated Mother's Day for the first time, I didn't realize how emotional it would be! Little mama was 11 months old and slobbering kisses while waving her chubby little fingers to anyone who would look her direction. We wore matching shirts for an outdoor photo shoot. I bawled my eyes out when I was finally able to stand proudly with all the women at church when they honored us. The love bursting out of my heart for every woman in my life was overwhelming. Especially the little woman who was finally snuggled in my arms and not my dreams. My eyes were raw and red by the end of the night. Mother's Day can be emotionally exhausting.

6. No one told me the expectations that would come with this day. My husband and daughter were all I wanted to celebrate with and yet, I was to put aside my celebration to make sure we celebrated everyone else. I wanted gifts, flowers, cards, not to lift a finger, do whatever I want, I wanted it to be all about me. Who knew this day would be filled with me having to prepare everyone else's gifts, cards and experiences while driving all over town splitting our time into multiple visits? Also, my job as a mother did not stop on this day-I was still expected to get everyone ready and out the door, wash dishes, feed the dog, clean up the house, figure out what to eat, etc. etc. Mother's Day can feel selfish.

7. Dandelions, homemade creations, kisses on the cheek, last minute shopping trips, and pictures that you have no idea what they are, become some of the most special memories that will last a life time. My daughter's hand in mine, wide eyed with excitement, doing everything her little four-year old self could do to make this day a celebration of me-the "superhero" of her life. Mother's Day can be special.

No matter who you are or where you are this Mother's Day, the most important thing I want you to know is that I am thankful for you. You have influenced me in ways you will never know-even if I've known you my whole life or only a few months. Our lives were brought together for a purpose-to learn, grow, teach, to love. Know you are celebrated!

14 Weeks and Counting

The other day I was reminded that during my pregnancy with Eloise, we kept everyone up to date through our blog. So, I finally sat down to start Baby Mayo #2's intro to the world of oversharing.  I found a few of our original posts and took the same question to begin this journey. 

Welcome to week 14!

The doc said she loved my "heart-shaped uterus"

How are we feeling?

I have been pregnant a total of 4 times-this being my 5th.  Never have I ever been this sick during any of my pregnancies.  I am so thankful to have made it to the second trimester with this baby and don't take it for granted, but boy has it been rough! Not only am I dealing with food aversions, but this "morning" sickness is 24/7 and not slowing down like everyone said it would in this trimester.  So, I'm feeling a little low in moral due to feeling unwell all the time, but "big sister" Eloise has been nothing but a major help.  From getting me water, rubbing my tummy, and singing to me, she lifts my spirits with her kind heart and I look forward to seeing her hold our "miracle."

What's up with the bump?

While some articles say it's "too early" to feel the baby, this little person is moving!  I can feel the little one flipping around and it seems like their favorite spot is directly on top of my bladder. While I have actually lost weight during these last couple weeks, my belly has shifted and is starting to show a bit.

What crazy thing did we recently learn?

This last week as I went to my appointment-with a mask and gloves on due to the covid pandemic-I learned just how fragile this all feels.  Never did I imagine how different or influenced this pregnancy would be due to what is going on in the world today.  Everything is so different this time around, but one thing that stays the same is the overwhelming feeling of joy whenever I hear our babies heartbeat. It's strong and loud and beautiful. There was also several blood tests done and we will learn the gender by those test sooner than we did with Eloise!

Subject I'm not ready to think about?
Maternity clothes in the summer. Heat. High AC bills.

Big Daddy's Take:

"When does the barfing stop?"

We announced our pregnancy on St. Patricks Day

Our Story Continues

After 12 years of trying to get pregnant, spending thousands of dollars, seeing our miracle born, then experiencing the heartache of 3 losses, 2 failed adoptions, people wonder why would ever try again. Why would we put ourselves through endless medications, shots every night, uncomfortable procedures, when we weren't even guaranteed the IVF process would work?  Heck, we wondered this a time or two ourselves and the emotional rollercoaster took its toll. After changing OB's, hearing her heart for her patients and her encouragement towards growing our family, we knew we couldn't limit God and His plan for us.

We called the fertility specialist and needless to say, they were surprised and super excited that we were going to try again.  Our specialist and nurses have become an extended family rooting and praying for us. They have been supportive through everything and we have really grown together through this process of sharing one of life's mysteries.  We also called up our prayer warriors and they began petitioning the Heavens daily on our behalf. Sending texts, emails, making phone calls, stopping us in the halls of church to pray, with their love and support-we forged on and began the grueling process the Fall of 2019.

It was around Christmas time that two pivotal things happened. One, I had to have ankle surgery. While the procedure doesn't pertain to fertility issues, the medications would mix with the multiple meds I was already on.  So, ankle surgery happened with no pain meds and I had an entire month holed up in the house on the couch which put my womb and fertility into a "peaceful" state. Needless to say it paid off!  The second thing that happened was Eloise starting asking us why she "was alone" and why she didn't hve "siblings." We knew this conversation would come one day, but not during fertility treatments when our emotions were already shot! She began crying every day, asking us for a brother and sister. We were at a loss how to help a 4-year old understand the complexities of infertility and IVF when we were still learning body parts!  So, we told her to begin praying and asking God for a sibling.  We also told her that mommy and daddy needed help from doctors and we had the best helping us.

Why was the latter a pivotal moment for us?  We knew the disappointment of failed IVF and pregnancy, but wanted to shelter Eloise from that heartache. We knew we could choose in this moment to stop the process and we would save money, heartache, and peace of mind.  But we also knew this was our last chance. So, once again we forged on only this time, with Eloise's sweet voice leading us in prayer EVERY NIGHT.  As a family, our faith grew and never wavered. Nick became my med administrator and Eloise has held my hand through every shot knowing these meds "would help make a baby in mommy's tummy."

(This is what $4,000 worth of meds look like)

(These are future babies)

We found out in January that we had 3 healthy embryos’ and could implant 2 in February.  So, we implanted two and came out with one healthy little person creating havoc in my womb.  I was never sick with Eloise so it was surprise when I began barfing and feeling like crap 24/7.  Nick was amused when we found ourselves racing through Target to the bathrooms so I could puke.  Several of our adopted grandparents were also sending smiley emoji’s and couldn't hide the excitement at the thought of me being sick-supposedly having a yucky tummy is a sign of a healthy pregnancy (insert eye roll) It's been a month of down-right feeling crummy, but I secretly thank God for it every night!

As of now I go to my fertility specialist once a week to track the progress of the baby, but have yet to get any good pictures. The babe is pretty squirmy with its little nubs. We anticipated a lot of questions from Eloise when we told her about the baby, but she was like, "yea, I know!"  Her child-like faith had prepared her for this exciting time and she has taken on the role of BIG sister naturally.  Eloise enjoys watching the growth chart and announcing to everyone that "our baby is a blueberry!" or "our baby is pecan nut!" She also checks in with me-almost on the hour-to make sure the baby is feeling good and I often mistake the hugs she gives my tummy for me, when really they are for the baby. It's very sweet and it makes my heart burst with pride at the young lady we are raising. 

(Our timing was a little off when we told Eloise the news. She had just woken up)

Stay tuned for more updates about our growing family!