#191~First Trimester and Stuff

Well, we have officially made it to three months.  We had a doctor's appointment yesterday where we were once again able to see "the kid."  It was so special to watch Nick jump up and stare at the screen with a big goofy grin on his face.  The babe must of felt daddy watching because that kid started kicking it's legs and jumping around like a crazed jelly bean.  Measurements are right on track for a healthy end of June delivery.  Blood work came back great and so far they see no issues with this growing kiddo.  Once again the heartbeat was strong and fierce which always makes me smile.  A heartbeat means life.  Our next appointment is in a month-which seems like a lifetime until we get to see this little one again.

World Champion Boxer~Hands are up by the face

As for me, a blogger friend encouraged me to "enjoy pregnancy to the fullest" and remember that so many have walked this journey with us.  Meaning, "give us the details!!!!"  While in my last post I thought it would be strange to divulge a ton of information, I came up with a couple questions I wouldn't mind answering every month.  It might be fun to look back and it's the closest thing I'm going to have to a "pregnancy journal" or "chalk board" announcement.  So, here it goes:

How are we feeling?
I'm feeling really good!  At 12 weeks, I find myself extremely tired by 9:00, but able to accomplish all activities and whatever life throws at me.  I might get a little winded every now and then-which is new-but overall, no sickness and feeling good.

What's up with the bump?
Well, for the first time my pants are feeling a bit snugger and Nick and I recently had the conversation if my little "pudge" would be deemed a "beer belly" or if people would think "baby belly...." let's hope fore the latter since I don't drink beer....

What crazy thing did you recently learn?
Let's see, I have been really proud of myself for not gaining more than 2 pounds as of yesterday.  Weight is something I'm a little worried about and I find myself watching a little more closely what I eat.  In fact, I thought I was doing really good as the only thing I'm "craving" is fruit!  However, my doctor-the bubble buster-told me to be careful as fruit has a lot of sugar and I need to stay away from sugar.  Bah humbug.

Subject I'm not ready to think about?
Actually giving birth to this kid.  The whole thing freaks me out!  I mean, it's going to come out where??!?!

Big Daddy's Take:
I find my self always on edge. For the last tens years I have grown accustom to my wife coming out of the bathroom crying because she started. It is difficult to shake the feeling that every time she turns the corner or calls me outside of a normal call time, its for a shoulder to cry on.

On the other note I am trying to embrace that this is actually happening. I have found our ultrasounds to be kinda of like a junky waiting for his next fix. Since I am not actually growing the kid, the only real tangible time I have are these ultrasounds that are only two to four weeks at a time.

Mentally I find myself thinking about things like priorities that need to change, from things I want to things that the kid and mom need. How will I raise him/her to know the Lord in their own way? How do I keep him/her from making the same mistakes I made? Where is the balance of time spent providing  for the child and time spent with the child? There are plenty more but for the sake of your time I think you get the point.

All in all I realize I have no clue whats coming, but I am sure I can figure it out at is comes.

#190 of 365~I'm Pregnant?!

As my post seem to take days to write instead of the hours it normally takes, I find myself stopping to stare into space, take a nap, or another trip to the bathroom. Well, I'm pregnant and beginning to feel it! Yes, this little fig sized being swimming within the depths my belly has caused my entire world to be flipped upside down.  The idea that at this very moment "the kids" life is being created, knitted, fastened together within my womb-is amazing.  Every time I see the monitor with its body growing and heart beating, I am in awe of the life we've been in trusted with.

So, what does it look like to be 11 weeks pregnant?  Well, it's been a bit rough and no, I will not be making a monthly Pinterest chalk board to tell you every single detail about this pregnancy.  Sorry, but I just don't have the time or gumption.  Nausea, dizziness, a trip to the ER, more medications then I can keep track of, and bills rolling in seems to be our new norm these days.  I crave fruit and drink water like a camel.  Caffeine and sweets-except ice cream-are pretty much in the yucky category for me.  My mood swings are unreal and I have to say, Nick is quite the trooper.  There are times when I tell him that even I don't know what I want!  Apparently this is normal???

Normal.  A word that really does not sit well with me when talking about my pregnancy.  There's been nothing normal about how we got pregnant, how I'm farther than the "normal" person should be,  or how we are responding to our news.  It's weird, but I really don't want to be like every other "normal" pregnant lady out there obsessing over the nursery, counting the days, pinning phantom dreams to pin boards, living for the next doctor's appointment. We do not know anything about whether or not breastfeeding is the best option for us, what our "birth plan" entails, or what kind of "parenting style" we will have.  We just found out we're pregnant after 9 years people, give us a break!

We have however found a doctor that we both trust and like.  He's pretty passionate about his patients and we've heard nothing but great things about him.  We love his laid back style and attitude towards pregnancy-"it's YOUR pregnancy so everyone else's doesn't really pertain to you."  Which is a breathe of fresh air to hear, I felt like I was suffocating a bit over here! So really, pregnancy is just another extension of a life we've been given together and we will take it like we always do-one day at time because well, we don't want to miss a thing.

#188 of 365~The Journey of Identity

Every time I sit down to write a post, I always wonder about the audience reading it and why they choose to read our blog.  After seeing the overwhelming support come through comments and private messages about our recent posts, I have come to the realization that people value honesty.  Honesty about ones feelings, faith, and life.  That is why Nick and I created our "Waiting for Baby Stories" blog: http://waitingforbabystoriesblog.blogspot.com  We wanted people to hear our story, know they were not alone in their journey, and feel a sense of freedom talking about their own story-without ridicule or judgement.

Which is why I'm going to be honest.  We have yet to post that we are pregnant on the Waiting for Baby Stories blog or Facebook page.  As someone whose identity and has been identified as-Infertile-it is hard to know this new identity as-fertile, as pregnant.  It is still hard for me to get those words out, "I'm pregnant."  I can't contain the tears and hopefulness of those words.  It is hard for me to say those words to the women that have come into my life after our bond has been identified by the heartbreak of infertility, miscarriage, or waiting for adoption. To look them in the eye and not feel the betrayal, has been hard.

Yet, it is time for me to find a new identity for what we believe of ourselves is how we portray the world.  If you are fatherless, you will never expect to find or understand the love of a father.  If your poor, you will always think with a poverty mindset never fully experiencing the depths of your wealth.  If your infertile, you will never believe you could be a mother or father and hold the children who are in your life at a distance.  This is where we must change our mindsets to become the parents that we were always meant to be. Which we are very excited to be.

#186 of 365~Still Reflecting on a REAL Journey

After we told our families, we set out to wait two painfully long weeks for the ultrasound that would change our lives.  Those two weeks seriously felt longer than the last 9 years!  Still not wanting to "set myself up,"  I spent those two weeks preparing for the worst news because I knew deep down that this had not worked.

This is where I will not apologize for my beliefs or faith.  Because you know what?  It's truly what got me through-the little bit I had left.  Not my amazing hubby who should win an award by the way for surviving a hormonal-crazed wife while dealing with his own thoughts and feelings, not the family members who encouraged us and prayed for us, not my friends, not my career-which I lost myself in several times, and lastly, not even myself. Even though I'm a strong confident woman, this shook me to my core and  and I firmly believe that there is a special place in the Father's heart for women AND men who've lost a child.  HE knows EXACTLY how you feel.  Dealing with the physicality of what I thought was happening, took me to place I never want to visit again.

The night before our ultrasound, I laid in bed staring at the ceiling trying to feel some confirmation either way.  Nothing happened.  When Nick came to bed he placed his hand on my stomach-like he had done every night since the procedure-and lead us in a prayer of thanksgiving.  This is where overwhelming shame tends to hit me.  I've always believed that the Father would answer our prayers for children, it's just that I didn't think it would or could happen this way.  I had put a wall up between myself and the God I had always believed in.  Realizing that I spoke words of comfort to others when needed because that's what expected, but never really believing comfort could come for me.  My view of God radically changed that night as a small whisper said, "Why can't I do this for you? Who are you that I can't move mountains for?  My Son died for you just as much as the next hurting mother to be."  It was a real look at how I viewed myself and why I've always believed others deserved better than me.

This is where my questions of do you see me?  Do you hear my plea?  Turned into thanking Him for knowing MY name and being there just for ME in a world with so much need.  Do you know He's there for you too?  It's the most incredible gift.  The next morning, we were quiet and ready to go half an hour early.  Our car's front axle broke on our way to the appointment-$3,000-and this was after we had just paid the final payment the day before.  If this was any indication of how our appointment was going to be, we were going to have to hold every thought captive to remain positive.

This appointment was so different.  The fertility clinic's waiting room was full-like it always was.  So many couples waiting, nervous, trying not to loose it.  My heart broke for everyone of them. We had a different nurse, one whose personality can ONLY be described as bubbly and painstakingly happy.  I was highly annoyed by her cutesy voice and figured this was just one more thing to chalk up to the day.  I was not happy, I was not curious, I was subdued and just wanting to get it over with.

I had told myself, "you will see a blob on the screen but don't believe until you hear a heartbeat."  And that's exactly what happened.  The blob on the screen was my "baby" and yet, none of the black and white image made sense.  Then she turned a dial and the strongest most beautiful sound in the whole world burst forth.  My baby had a heartbeat.  My baby was alive.  My baby was real.  Even now I can barely say the words let alone write them without being in complete awe and shock.  I still can't say the words as my heart is so overwhelmed by the miracle that was knitted within my womb.  Yes, I cried. Nick says he "teared up," but we just sat there listening and smiling.  We are having a baby!

#185 of 365~Continuing to Reflect on a REAL Journey

Check out the first post to see where I left off and why I pick up here:  http://nickandkassiemayo.blogspot.com/2014/11/184-of-365reflecting-on-real-journey.html

The second verse that became a life-line for me, started in July when the doctors told me my stress levels were too high and my body wasn't responding to the fertility medications.  After three different cocktails of meds, we found one that worked starting in September-bypassing our original InVitro date.   2 Timothy 4:17 became my only whispered prayer, "But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth."  The first line about God standing by my side giving me strength, truly is what got me through my darkest times. The second line about the message being fully proclaimed so that all would hear it, reminded me of that our story would one day encourage others.  The last line about being delivered from the lion's mouth, well, that is in regards to a prophecy over my life and a book I was reading at the same time-and trust me, it isn't coincidence.

My first set of eggs available for removal ended up having what they called a "rouge" egg which meant it was too big and feeding off the others.  I had to take a shot that would release them and we would have to start all over again.  I was so distraught and depressed. It was a painful experience emotionally and physically. All I could say was, "Lord, be by my side."  Nick had surgery to remove his portion of the procedure and was laid up for a week due to pain and a week later would find me back in the surgery room. The second set produced 15 eggs!  That's a crazy amount for one ovary and 7 of them were available for removal.  Going through that experience was a bit awkward, but I was asleep through most of it and the doctor and nurses were awesome. 

The day finally came when the doctor called saying 5 of the 7 had made it through the maturity process.  They would insert 2 and freeze 3.  We were overjoyed, scared, and just wanting to get through it.  As we suited up for a surgery that I would be wide awake with Nick by my side, we prayed and prayed asking God to be our strength, to go before us and provide a way, to give us children.  And our heavenly Father answered!  A week after surgery, I would go in for blood work on my father's one year anniversary of not being with us here on earth. It was an emotional day already and this just added to the hyped feelings. The doctor called me later that afternoon with "Congratulations" that was met with the question, "Are you sure?"  I couldn't believe it and started sobbing. 

Not really believing this could be real, I took Nick to Fontenelle Forest where we walked amongst fall's finest scenery and talked about missing my dad.  We got to this beautiful spot where the light hit the leaves in a way that looked as if they were on fire.  I asked Nick to take a picture with me and whispered, "I'm Pregnant."  What happened next still brings tears to my eyes as my husband has never hugged me harder.  Tears flowed freely and we couldn't contain our laughter.  It was a precious moment and one I will cherish forever.

Later in the week, as I was beginning to believe that this was more and more real after each blood test came back with higher and higher numbers, I began to bleed heavily.  It was my worst fear coming true-miscarrying.  At least, that is what I told myself when doctor's told us to "cautiously hopeful" even though the worry in the voice told me they were more than concerned.  It was 9 days of complete hell.  I've never felt more pain or frustration towards my body and even wished we had never tried InVitro.  I could barely talk to God and when we found ourselves within the pews of our church once again, all I could do is sit in complete silence hoping my brothers and sisters would do the praying and lifting of hands for me.  *Side note-Sometimes we can't pray and sometimes we can't worship and you know what?  That's okay.  God understands and I believe that's why He gives us fellow believers.  They can pray and worship on our behalf and help us along the way-we are NEVER alone*  That Sunday, we prayed with some of our faithful church family and even though they too seemed doubtful, we left with a bit more hope than when we came in.

That next day, I went to the doctor where my blood test tripled in hormone numbers-which is a good sign.  In fact, they said it was a sign of multiples! I was shocked.  I didn't know what to think or how to feel. I cried and talked to God the whole way to work.  Not really understanding what was going on, I asked Him to continue to raise our numbers throughout the week.  He did and we made the decision to tell our families that weekend.  While it was not 100% if this pregnancy was going to make it, we wanted the joy of celebrating the little bit of life within my womb and would need the support of our families should something happen.  

We told my GMa first. We took her to Hallmark where we had a Great Grandma ornament put behind the counter and the clerk brought it out when we went to pay.  She looked at the ornament and said, "I know I'm great!"  To which I said, "No Grandma, your going to be a Great-Grandma because I'm pregnant!"  The following morning we met with my mom for coffee and that afternoon with Nick's family at the pumpkin patch.  The following day was Sunday and we were meeting with my Dad's side of the family to celebrate his love for the Buffalo Bills, food, and family time.  The surprise, the love, and the tears of all our family members helped us make it through the remaining weeks.

#184 of 365~Reflecting on a REAL Journey

It seems as if I was always destined to write this post. Yet, if you would have asked me a year ago about God answering our prayers for children, I probably would not have been as awed and humbled as I am now.  For 11 years, Nick and I have shared our lives together in marriage, praying together, and learning the value of communication in hard times and good. We have stood by each others side as we each faced multiple health issues, surgeries, and medications that left us exhausted and moody. Yet, we would not change a single thing about our time together.

8 of the 11 years was spent in agony never knowing if we would be able to have children of our own. While we are 100% supportive and looked into adoption twice and denied for foster care, we always believed and prayed that we would be able to see children of our flesh come to fruition.  It was rough.  Long nights of prayer and early morning sob-feats, arguments about waiting or not waiting, multiple trips to the alter asking God if He saw us and our desire for children.  We had so many family members, friends, and church family, come alongside us in prayer and encouragement, while others kept their distance for whatever reason.

Every month seemed to bring a pregnancy announcement or new baby in our life.  Instead of mourning our loss and staying away from the life that God so graciously gave to another, we reveled in their new little lives, celebrated their existence, and prayed that one day these kiddos would be responsible individuals who would influence the children we knew were coming.  My biggest advice to those hurting in their waiting period for children-don't keep these new little ones at bay, you may find healing within their little hands.

The time finally came to make a decision when my doctor said I had until I was 35 to get pregnant-right after I turned 31.  I immediately begin to mourn as we did not not have the funds nor the medical insurance to cover InVitro cost.  Yet Nick was determined to make it work as we would "never" have an opportunity again.  We worked hard getting 100% out of debt-except for our car and house-and saved up enough money where we could pay $15,000 cash of the $25,000 costs.  *The reason we want to bring up costs and getting debt-free is because IT IS POSSIBLE!*  Friends and family chipped in and helped with another $5,000 which only left $5,000 of the entire cost on a credit card.

We met with a fertility specialist in April and began the tedious regime of medications, shots, diet changes, counting, and doctor appointments.  Needless to say, it was ROUGH.  The whole time I kept asking, "God, do you see us down here struggling?  Do you hear our prayers, understand our needs?" We would go to church and I would be hurt and angry.  Yet, every time God found a way to speak to us either from a word or a song or a speaker.  More time than not, I found comfort from individuals I didn't even know were praying for us or following our story.  Multiple times strangers would come to us with a word or tell us about a dream we were in-and we were pregnant.  It may sound strange, but we took each one and believed God would do considerably more than we could ask.

I began to cling to two specific verses in the Bible and would remind God-and myself-about the promises He had given us.  The first one came a couple years ago when I lost my left ovary and filopian tube to endometriosis and they gave me until 35 before I would lose my second one.  Ephesians 3:20 "Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." I even tattooed the word "believe" where the ovary was to remind myself that while it didn't make sense, I WOULD birth one of my babies. 

And this is where I will leave you, me, struggling to believe. Check out tomorrows post to read about the rest of our journey.

#173 of 365~Dear Dad~Year Number One

Dear Dad,

It has been an entire year since you left us and it's been the hardest year of my life!  No one is the same without you,  no one knows how to do this life without you-and yet, here we are.  A year later.  We tried, trust me dad, we tried. It's just been so hard to to move forward when there's a giant void in our lives.  Each one breaking down the way he or she must, others pulling away because it hurts to much.  Some quiet about their grief and some loud.  We all reaching out into the universe, for some piece of you. Yet, we each have quietly grieved to, on our own whens no ones watching.  Asking "why" for the millionth time, staining our pillow with tears or using it to muffle our screams.

Which is why this year has been the hardest for me.  I suddenly felt a weight loaded on my shoulders after being told to, "Buck up.  Your one of the oldest, take care of your family now."  A weight I still carry whenever I see their faces.  I feel like I have not done the best by them and yet, didn't and still don't know what to do.  My relationships across the board shifted over night.  I saw and was  surprised to find out who my "true blues" were.  The only real stability in my life is your son-n-law.  Constantly by my side, crying along with me in the moments that hurt the most.  Nick grieves in his own way and yet, talks about you constantly to anyone who will listen. You weren't just a father figure to him, but a mentor and friend.

What I miss the most is your consistency, your honesty, and your hugs.  There is nothing more in the world that I want at this moment in my life then to have your arms wrapped around me for a squeeze and to feel your scruff against my cheek.  To know your sturdiness once more and hear sincere, honest words.  I want to know what you think about Nick and I and our decision to try Invitro, catch you up on our career paths, and let you know I'm still going to school-I'll graduate one day, I promise!  I want to hear you rant about how poorly your Bills are playing and how the recent batch of buffalo wings you ate is giving you heartburn, but they were the best.  I wouldn't even mind listening to your play by play of hunting stories and activities with Scott and Muchi.  Most of all, I just want to hear you say, "I Love You," one more time.

And I guess in a strange way I did hear you say it.  In the shape of a deer traipsing through the middle of the forest at 3:00 in the afternoon.  Nick and I just stood there, watching the light shift amongst the shadows of brilliant fall leaves. There was a whisper of quiet and then the loud crunching sounds that only come with the weight of a four legged forest animal.  It's ear perked up and it's eyes bore into mine.  I started crying, sobbing really, and it just stood there watching me as Nick's arms once again circled around me. Only you dad, only you. 

Let me say, this was truly a moment full of you.
I miss you and love you too~Your "Kid" 

#172 of 365~Homecoming Week at BT

It was Homecoming Week at Brownell Talbot, which means five days of dressing up!

However, my favorite dress up day is always our Blue and Gold Day!

Usually Homecoming is an event at our school that comes and goes for me, but this year, it was VERY different!  As the head of Service Learning for Brownell, it's my goal to help our kids think about ways to help our two school partners-Completely Kids and YES-Youth Emergency Services. So, for homecoming, students and their families were asked to donate diapers and wipes to YES in return for entrance to the game.  The opposing team was asked to do the same as well!  When patrons came with their donation, they were then allowed to "vote" on the house float they liked best.  The House with the most donations get points, and hopefully leads them to the House Cup.  (yes, it sounds and is set up just like Harry Potter)  Check out these creative floats!!!

Homecoming at Brownell also is an opportunity for Alumni to come back to campus, see the improvements, meet up with old friends, and enjoy the Brownell Talbot Raiders under  Friday night lights.  Nick decided to meet up with a few of his friends and say hello to some teachers.

After the Raiders won, we carted off all the donations to YES.  It was overwhelming to see the generosity of the Raider family and I know the individuals receiving the donations will be blessed and grateful.

For more information about Brownell Talbot School and YES, please check the following links:

http://www.brownell.edu

http://www.yesomaha.org

#169 of 365~IVF

Friday morning we awoke early, excited, and nervous. It was the day of our final IVF procedure. It took all of ten minutes-seriously. It was uncomfortable and emotional. Nick just kept smiling as he suited up, ecstatic to get this "show on the road."  I on the other hand, was trying to remain controlled and somewhat detached. Our doctor was amazing and the nurses kind and grandmotherly. Two embryos were inserted with three frozen for a later date. After the procedure, I went home and put my feet up for the rest of the day.  Nick's been super sweet waiting on me and grinning at me, besotted with the idea of what we hope is to come. It's been a precious time, just us two, dreaming and hoping that these little guys come into fruition.

We are so appreciative for the prayers that have been said, the food that's been dropped off, the flowers and visits, and donations towards our journey. Thank you for being apart of our story, we can't wait to share the next chapter with you! 

Continue following our story at: http://www.gofundme.com/7s7zms

#162 of 365~Goooo BIG Red!!!!

ESPN Game of the week~Nebraska Huskers vs. Miami Hurricanes 

Nick and I scored tickets from a good friend of ours and decided to spend the day in Lincoln's downtown area-Haymarket.  We met up with Nick's "best man" Bryan and his wife Chelsea at this awesome restaurant, Mellow Mushroom.  Nick and I went to another version of this restaurant in Georgia and are super excited to have one so much closer to home!  Anywho, the pizza was AMAZING and the decor super crazy.  We will be going back!  Check it out at: http://mellowmushroom.com/store/lincoln-west-haymarket

After a loooong lunch complete with the Husker pep band coming through to play, Nick and I headed off to Memorial stadium.  There is NOTHING like the atmosphere surrounding Memorial stadium on game day. We scored free swag, ate street food, participated in several different fan-based activities, and watched the band march through the streets hyping up the crowd.

LOVE this crowd!!!

Welcome to your worst nightmare....

Let's just say this game was more of a hockey game than a football game!  Bad ref's, bad calls, dirty players, it was sooo much fun!!! Oh yea, we made it on the jumbo tron!!!

#156 of 365~We WIl NEVER Forget

Where were you when the world stopped turning that September day?  Have you forgotten?  Does the flag still fly high from your front porch? Are the images still fresh in your mind?  Do you find yourself a bit apprehensive whenever this day roles around? The mass chaos that followed in the years to come?  Do you remember?  I do.

I will not bore you with the details of where I was that day at the exact moment I heard about the Towers, I've already written that post and I'm not sure you would really care.  I will however tell you how this day will and forever be written on my heart.  The first real show of patriotism my generation ever lived through.  Our boys leaving right from high school to become men in the military. Families discussing safe places, emergency food storage, and how to protect yourself on every level.  Teachers helping rewrite history books to show how we survived and continued strong.  Nick and I were heavily impacted in our teenage love for each other.  These events spiraled us into a whirlwind romance that had us getting married young so we could "live the life we had left" together.  We seriously thought that the world we knew was ending.  And it did for awhile, then we picked back up and started again.

Now, 13 years later, we are married, we have a safe place, and emergency plan.  We carry water and safety supplies in our cars.  Nick knows that if anything should happen during a school day, I will be at school until the last kiddo leaves.  When I look at my 3 year old students, I see a generation that does not know of this painful event in American history-not yet anyways.  I see a generation that will have to answer for all the mistakes we made while trying to heal from this tragic event.  I see a generation who is pure and in love with the American flag because it flies high and is red, white, and blue.  They are our Hope, they are our Future.  We will NEVER forget.

#154 of 365~Omaha Midnight Run

http://omahamidnightrun.com/

This is my 4th year posting about the Omaha Midnight Run.  A 5k ran on the streets of downtown Omaha at Midnight, to raise funds and awareness for local non-profits.  I'm very proud of this run, watching it grow and change throughout the years.  It was bitter sweet this year to come as just a participant because that meant that I didn't have a job to do which provided me no excuse for not running.  So, along with a couple of Nick's high school buddies and our friend Bjorn, we geared up for my first 5k as a walker/runner.  I only made it around once because I wanted to take pictures of the guys crossing the finish line, something I had never experienced before.  It was also exciting for me as the school I work for was a sponsor this year and it was cool to see everyone run under the BT arch.

The guys met at our house pre-run for pizza and we watched "The Mighty Ducks 2." We then met our friend Kristina at The Blatt for a pre-run celebratory drink.

 The run started off with a fireworks show

We literally ran by the Overpass that OMR was under during their first public run.

My boys finishing strong

Chris, Nick, Brenden, Me, Adrian, Mr. Schindler, and Sonya

BT Representing!!!