Dear Dad,
Guess what? Your a Papa. This year was the hardest year without you yet and I don't think it will get any easier. My heart was torn when we received the news that we were finally pregnant. Torn because we found out last October 20th, the day that I will always fear when Autumn begins to blow in. I was so excited and grateful for this gift as it came when we needed it the most and yet, you were not there to celebrate with us. We rejoiced in the miracle baby that we all have waited for. The baby that you told us to "go after," the baby you "talked to God about" because you didn't "pray," the baby I know who would've melted your heart-My daughter, Eloise.
I wish you could see Nick and I as parents. The way my belly expanded and how doting Nick was, I know you would have had a field day with all your jokes. To share every appointment and ultrasound with you-even though I did dial your number a couple times after appointments thinking to myself, "I have to tell dad!" I wish you could have been there at the hospital and watch as Nick placed her in my arms. I know your eyes would well-up with tears and you would clear your throat as to not give your emotions away. You would have beamed ear-to-ear with that goofy grin of yours when it was your turn to hold her.
Nick and I have talked how you were always so proud of us and not ashamed to tell us either. As children, as grown children, we still need to hear that from our Fathers. When we talked, you would listen. Really listen. We still need that too. Nick wonders if you would've thought about when I was a baby when holding Eloise and I wonder how many times you would have laughed at me by now being the new mother that I am. Would I make you proud? Would you see how hard I'm trying to be a good mother, Nick a good father? How hard we are working at showing Eloise the beauty of this world amongst the pain? We wonder....
This last Tuesday, I spent the day telling Eloise about her Papa. We spent time together, just her and I and ended up at the house for lunch with Grandma and the Aunties and Uncles. Being in your house does not cause me pain like some would think it would. Eloise met Muchi, your old hunting buddy from South Carolina, and took a nap with Grandma. While it was a good day, it ended in tears as Nick and I cradled Baby Girl between us talking about you. We love you Dad and we promise Eloise will know about you and the amazing man you were.
