#186 of 365~Still Reflecting on a REAL Journey

After we told our families, we set out to wait two painfully long weeks for the ultrasound that would change our lives.  Those two weeks seriously felt longer than the last 9 years!  Still not wanting to "set myself up,"  I spent those two weeks preparing for the worst news because I knew deep down that this had not worked.

This is where I will not apologize for my beliefs or faith.  Because you know what?  It's truly what got me through-the little bit I had left.  Not my amazing hubby who should win an award by the way for surviving a hormonal-crazed wife while dealing with his own thoughts and feelings, not the family members who encouraged us and prayed for us, not my friends, not my career-which I lost myself in several times, and lastly, not even myself. Even though I'm a strong confident woman, this shook me to my core and  and I firmly believe that there is a special place in the Father's heart for women AND men who've lost a child.  HE knows EXACTLY how you feel.  Dealing with the physicality of what I thought was happening, took me to place I never want to visit again.

The night before our ultrasound, I laid in bed staring at the ceiling trying to feel some confirmation either way.  Nothing happened.  When Nick came to bed he placed his hand on my stomach-like he had done every night since the procedure-and lead us in a prayer of thanksgiving.  This is where overwhelming shame tends to hit me.  I've always believed that the Father would answer our prayers for children, it's just that I didn't think it would or could happen this way.  I had put a wall up between myself and the God I had always believed in.  Realizing that I spoke words of comfort to others when needed because that's what expected, but never really believing comfort could come for me.  My view of God radically changed that night as a small whisper said, "Why can't I do this for you? Who are you that I can't move mountains for?  My Son died for you just as much as the next hurting mother to be."  It was a real look at how I viewed myself and why I've always believed others deserved better than me.

This is where my questions of do you see me?  Do you hear my plea?  Turned into thanking Him for knowing MY name and being there just for ME in a world with so much need.  Do you know He's there for you too?  It's the most incredible gift.  The next morning, we were quiet and ready to go half an hour early.  Our car's front axle broke on our way to the appointment-$3,000-and this was after we had just paid the final payment the day before.  If this was any indication of how our appointment was going to be, we were going to have to hold every thought captive to remain positive.

This appointment was so different.  The fertility clinic's waiting room was full-like it always was.  So many couples waiting, nervous, trying not to loose it.  My heart broke for everyone of them. We had a different nurse, one whose personality can ONLY be described as bubbly and painstakingly happy.  I was highly annoyed by her cutesy voice and figured this was just one more thing to chalk up to the day.  I was not happy, I was not curious, I was subdued and just wanting to get it over with.

I had told myself, "you will see a blob on the screen but don't believe until you hear a heartbeat."  And that's exactly what happened.  The blob on the screen was my "baby" and yet, none of the black and white image made sense.  Then she turned a dial and the strongest most beautiful sound in the whole world burst forth.  My baby had a heartbeat.  My baby was alive.  My baby was real.  Even now I can barely say the words let alone write them without being in complete awe and shock.  I still can't say the words as my heart is so overwhelmed by the miracle that was knitted within my womb.  Yes, I cried. Nick says he "teared up," but we just sat there listening and smiling.  We are having a baby!

#185 of 365~Continuing to Reflect on a REAL Journey

Check out the first post to see where I left off and why I pick up here:  http://nickandkassiemayo.blogspot.com/2014/11/184-of-365reflecting-on-real-journey.html

The second verse that became a life-line for me, started in July when the doctors told me my stress levels were too high and my body wasn't responding to the fertility medications.  After three different cocktails of meds, we found one that worked starting in September-bypassing our original InVitro date.   2 Timothy 4:17 became my only whispered prayer, "But the Lord stood at my side and gave me strength, so that through me the message might be fully proclaimed and all the Gentiles might hear it. And I was delivered from the lion's mouth."  The first line about God standing by my side giving me strength, truly is what got me through my darkest times. The second line about the message being fully proclaimed so that all would hear it, reminded me of that our story would one day encourage others.  The last line about being delivered from the lion's mouth, well, that is in regards to a prophecy over my life and a book I was reading at the same time-and trust me, it isn't coincidence.

My first set of eggs available for removal ended up having what they called a "rouge" egg which meant it was too big and feeding off the others.  I had to take a shot that would release them and we would have to start all over again.  I was so distraught and depressed. It was a painful experience emotionally and physically. All I could say was, "Lord, be by my side."  Nick had surgery to remove his portion of the procedure and was laid up for a week due to pain and a week later would find me back in the surgery room. The second set produced 15 eggs!  That's a crazy amount for one ovary and 7 of them were available for removal.  Going through that experience was a bit awkward, but I was asleep through most of it and the doctor and nurses were awesome. 

The day finally came when the doctor called saying 5 of the 7 had made it through the maturity process.  They would insert 2 and freeze 3.  We were overjoyed, scared, and just wanting to get through it.  As we suited up for a surgery that I would be wide awake with Nick by my side, we prayed and prayed asking God to be our strength, to go before us and provide a way, to give us children.  And our heavenly Father answered!  A week after surgery, I would go in for blood work on my father's one year anniversary of not being with us here on earth. It was an emotional day already and this just added to the hyped feelings. The doctor called me later that afternoon with "Congratulations" that was met with the question, "Are you sure?"  I couldn't believe it and started sobbing. 

Not really believing this could be real, I took Nick to Fontenelle Forest where we walked amongst fall's finest scenery and talked about missing my dad.  We got to this beautiful spot where the light hit the leaves in a way that looked as if they were on fire.  I asked Nick to take a picture with me and whispered, "I'm Pregnant."  What happened next still brings tears to my eyes as my husband has never hugged me harder.  Tears flowed freely and we couldn't contain our laughter.  It was a precious moment and one I will cherish forever.

Later in the week, as I was beginning to believe that this was more and more real after each blood test came back with higher and higher numbers, I began to bleed heavily.  It was my worst fear coming true-miscarrying.  At least, that is what I told myself when doctor's told us to "cautiously hopeful" even though the worry in the voice told me they were more than concerned.  It was 9 days of complete hell.  I've never felt more pain or frustration towards my body and even wished we had never tried InVitro.  I could barely talk to God and when we found ourselves within the pews of our church once again, all I could do is sit in complete silence hoping my brothers and sisters would do the praying and lifting of hands for me.  *Side note-Sometimes we can't pray and sometimes we can't worship and you know what?  That's okay.  God understands and I believe that's why He gives us fellow believers.  They can pray and worship on our behalf and help us along the way-we are NEVER alone*  That Sunday, we prayed with some of our faithful church family and even though they too seemed doubtful, we left with a bit more hope than when we came in.

That next day, I went to the doctor where my blood test tripled in hormone numbers-which is a good sign.  In fact, they said it was a sign of multiples! I was shocked.  I didn't know what to think or how to feel. I cried and talked to God the whole way to work.  Not really understanding what was going on, I asked Him to continue to raise our numbers throughout the week.  He did and we made the decision to tell our families that weekend.  While it was not 100% if this pregnancy was going to make it, we wanted the joy of celebrating the little bit of life within my womb and would need the support of our families should something happen.  

We told my GMa first. We took her to Hallmark where we had a Great Grandma ornament put behind the counter and the clerk brought it out when we went to pay.  She looked at the ornament and said, "I know I'm great!"  To which I said, "No Grandma, your going to be a Great-Grandma because I'm pregnant!"  The following morning we met with my mom for coffee and that afternoon with Nick's family at the pumpkin patch.  The following day was Sunday and we were meeting with my Dad's side of the family to celebrate his love for the Buffalo Bills, food, and family time.  The surprise, the love, and the tears of all our family members helped us make it through the remaining weeks.

#184 of 365~Reflecting on a REAL Journey

It seems as if I was always destined to write this post. Yet, if you would have asked me a year ago about God answering our prayers for children, I probably would not have been as awed and humbled as I am now.  For 11 years, Nick and I have shared our lives together in marriage, praying together, and learning the value of communication in hard times and good. We have stood by each others side as we each faced multiple health issues, surgeries, and medications that left us exhausted and moody. Yet, we would not change a single thing about our time together.

8 of the 11 years was spent in agony never knowing if we would be able to have children of our own. While we are 100% supportive and looked into adoption twice and denied for foster care, we always believed and prayed that we would be able to see children of our flesh come to fruition.  It was rough.  Long nights of prayer and early morning sob-feats, arguments about waiting or not waiting, multiple trips to the alter asking God if He saw us and our desire for children.  We had so many family members, friends, and church family, come alongside us in prayer and encouragement, while others kept their distance for whatever reason.

Every month seemed to bring a pregnancy announcement or new baby in our life.  Instead of mourning our loss and staying away from the life that God so graciously gave to another, we reveled in their new little lives, celebrated their existence, and prayed that one day these kiddos would be responsible individuals who would influence the children we knew were coming.  My biggest advice to those hurting in their waiting period for children-don't keep these new little ones at bay, you may find healing within their little hands.

The time finally came to make a decision when my doctor said I had until I was 35 to get pregnant-right after I turned 31.  I immediately begin to mourn as we did not not have the funds nor the medical insurance to cover InVitro cost.  Yet Nick was determined to make it work as we would "never" have an opportunity again.  We worked hard getting 100% out of debt-except for our car and house-and saved up enough money where we could pay $15,000 cash of the $25,000 costs.  *The reason we want to bring up costs and getting debt-free is because IT IS POSSIBLE!*  Friends and family chipped in and helped with another $5,000 which only left $5,000 of the entire cost on a credit card.

We met with a fertility specialist in April and began the tedious regime of medications, shots, diet changes, counting, and doctor appointments.  Needless to say, it was ROUGH.  The whole time I kept asking, "God, do you see us down here struggling?  Do you hear our prayers, understand our needs?" We would go to church and I would be hurt and angry.  Yet, every time God found a way to speak to us either from a word or a song or a speaker.  More time than not, I found comfort from individuals I didn't even know were praying for us or following our story.  Multiple times strangers would come to us with a word or tell us about a dream we were in-and we were pregnant.  It may sound strange, but we took each one and believed God would do considerably more than we could ask.

I began to cling to two specific verses in the Bible and would remind God-and myself-about the promises He had given us.  The first one came a couple years ago when I lost my left ovary and filopian tube to endometriosis and they gave me until 35 before I would lose my second one.  Ephesians 3:20 "Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." I even tattooed the word "believe" where the ovary was to remind myself that while it didn't make sense, I WOULD birth one of my babies. 

And this is where I will leave you, me, struggling to believe. Check out tomorrows post to read about the rest of our journey.