#191~First Trimester and Stuff

Well, we have officially made it to three months.  We had a doctor's appointment yesterday where we were once again able to see "the kid."  It was so special to watch Nick jump up and stare at the screen with a big goofy grin on his face.  The babe must of felt daddy watching because that kid started kicking it's legs and jumping around like a crazed jelly bean.  Measurements are right on track for a healthy end of June delivery.  Blood work came back great and so far they see no issues with this growing kiddo.  Once again the heartbeat was strong and fierce which always makes me smile.  A heartbeat means life.  Our next appointment is in a month-which seems like a lifetime until we get to see this little one again.

World Champion Boxer~Hands are up by the face

As for me, a blogger friend encouraged me to "enjoy pregnancy to the fullest" and remember that so many have walked this journey with us.  Meaning, "give us the details!!!!"  While in my last post I thought it would be strange to divulge a ton of information, I came up with a couple questions I wouldn't mind answering every month.  It might be fun to look back and it's the closest thing I'm going to have to a "pregnancy journal" or "chalk board" announcement.  So, here it goes:

How are we feeling?
I'm feeling really good!  At 12 weeks, I find myself extremely tired by 9:00, but able to accomplish all activities and whatever life throws at me.  I might get a little winded every now and then-which is new-but overall, no sickness and feeling good.

What's up with the bump?
Well, for the first time my pants are feeling a bit snugger and Nick and I recently had the conversation if my little "pudge" would be deemed a "beer belly" or if people would think "baby belly...." let's hope fore the latter since I don't drink beer....

What crazy thing did you recently learn?
Let's see, I have been really proud of myself for not gaining more than 2 pounds as of yesterday.  Weight is something I'm a little worried about and I find myself watching a little more closely what I eat.  In fact, I thought I was doing really good as the only thing I'm "craving" is fruit!  However, my doctor-the bubble buster-told me to be careful as fruit has a lot of sugar and I need to stay away from sugar.  Bah humbug.

Subject I'm not ready to think about?
Actually giving birth to this kid.  The whole thing freaks me out!  I mean, it's going to come out where??!?!

Big Daddy's Take:
I find my self always on edge. For the last tens years I have grown accustom to my wife coming out of the bathroom crying because she started. It is difficult to shake the feeling that every time she turns the corner or calls me outside of a normal call time, its for a shoulder to cry on.

On the other note I am trying to embrace that this is actually happening. I have found our ultrasounds to be kinda of like a junky waiting for his next fix. Since I am not actually growing the kid, the only real tangible time I have are these ultrasounds that are only two to four weeks at a time.

Mentally I find myself thinking about things like priorities that need to change, from things I want to things that the kid and mom need. How will I raise him/her to know the Lord in their own way? How do I keep him/her from making the same mistakes I made? Where is the balance of time spent providing  for the child and time spent with the child? There are plenty more but for the sake of your time I think you get the point.

All in all I realize I have no clue whats coming, but I am sure I can figure it out at is comes.

#190 of 365~I'm Pregnant?!

As my post seem to take days to write instead of the hours it normally takes, I find myself stopping to stare into space, take a nap, or another trip to the bathroom. Well, I'm pregnant and beginning to feel it! Yes, this little fig sized being swimming within the depths my belly has caused my entire world to be flipped upside down.  The idea that at this very moment "the kids" life is being created, knitted, fastened together within my womb-is amazing.  Every time I see the monitor with its body growing and heart beating, I am in awe of the life we've been in trusted with.

So, what does it look like to be 11 weeks pregnant?  Well, it's been a bit rough and no, I will not be making a monthly Pinterest chalk board to tell you every single detail about this pregnancy.  Sorry, but I just don't have the time or gumption.  Nausea, dizziness, a trip to the ER, more medications then I can keep track of, and bills rolling in seems to be our new norm these days.  I crave fruit and drink water like a camel.  Caffeine and sweets-except ice cream-are pretty much in the yucky category for me.  My mood swings are unreal and I have to say, Nick is quite the trooper.  There are times when I tell him that even I don't know what I want!  Apparently this is normal???

Normal.  A word that really does not sit well with me when talking about my pregnancy.  There's been nothing normal about how we got pregnant, how I'm farther than the "normal" person should be,  or how we are responding to our news.  It's weird, but I really don't want to be like every other "normal" pregnant lady out there obsessing over the nursery, counting the days, pinning phantom dreams to pin boards, living for the next doctor's appointment. We do not know anything about whether or not breastfeeding is the best option for us, what our "birth plan" entails, or what kind of "parenting style" we will have.  We just found out we're pregnant after 9 years people, give us a break!

We have however found a doctor that we both trust and like.  He's pretty passionate about his patients and we've heard nothing but great things about him.  We love his laid back style and attitude towards pregnancy-"it's YOUR pregnancy so everyone else's doesn't really pertain to you."  Which is a breathe of fresh air to hear, I felt like I was suffocating a bit over here! So really, pregnancy is just another extension of a life we've been given together and we will take it like we always do-one day at time because well, we don't want to miss a thing.

#188 of 365~The Journey of Identity

Every time I sit down to write a post, I always wonder about the audience reading it and why they choose to read our blog.  After seeing the overwhelming support come through comments and private messages about our recent posts, I have come to the realization that people value honesty.  Honesty about ones feelings, faith, and life.  That is why Nick and I created our "Waiting for Baby Stories" blog: http://waitingforbabystoriesblog.blogspot.com  We wanted people to hear our story, know they were not alone in their journey, and feel a sense of freedom talking about their own story-without ridicule or judgement.

Which is why I'm going to be honest.  We have yet to post that we are pregnant on the Waiting for Baby Stories blog or Facebook page.  As someone whose identity and has been identified as-Infertile-it is hard to know this new identity as-fertile, as pregnant.  It is still hard for me to get those words out, "I'm pregnant."  I can't contain the tears and hopefulness of those words.  It is hard for me to say those words to the women that have come into my life after our bond has been identified by the heartbreak of infertility, miscarriage, or waiting for adoption. To look them in the eye and not feel the betrayal, has been hard.

Yet, it is time for me to find a new identity for what we believe of ourselves is how we portray the world.  If you are fatherless, you will never expect to find or understand the love of a father.  If your poor, you will always think with a poverty mindset never fully experiencing the depths of your wealth.  If your infertile, you will never believe you could be a mother or father and hold the children who are in your life at a distance.  This is where we must change our mindsets to become the parents that we were always meant to be. Which we are very excited to be.