#79 of 365~Death, Where Is Your Victory?

On this beautiful Easter Sunday, I want to share with you a story of transformation from death to life.  Transformation by definition is "a thorough or dramatic change."  Death has been apart of my life since the dark days of childhood when I obsessed about it, counted my "last breath," and read stories about the Holocaust and genocides happening around the world.  Great-Grandparents passed as well as a childhood friend, but death really became a reality when I was on the cusp of my 14th birthday-my adopted sister died. I will never forget holding her lifeless body and thanking Papa-God that He took her from the pain of this world-even if it was just before her second birthday.  6 years later I would loose both of my Grandfathers with whom I had a special relationship with and considered them some of my best friends.  They both helped foster my love for writing and I will always be grateful to them. The Twin Towers, the Haiti Earthquake also made HUGE impacts on my life with their "death tolls."  My Grandmother passed and then I was on the side of comforting when Nick's Grandparent's passed. Then there's the most recent, my Father.  The details of his death, the overwhelming personal grief as well as the grief that was collectively with my family, consumed my mind, body, and soul.  Life became gray, depressing, sad.  How could this world be so cruel?

Family members, friends, and church family were confused on how to reach out and meet me in this grief.  Sometimes they called, left encouraging notes, or just came and listened to my erratic talk while others, did nothing.  There was a "great chasm" built in several relationships and I felt that chasm grow even longer between me and Papa-God.  While I never blamed Papa-God for my Fathers death, I blamed the world He created, His creations for taking their freedom to choose too lightly, deep rooted bitterness welled up inside of me towards those who "deserved" it and against those who didn't.  It was in this time that I couldn't decipher if anyone was a friend or foe. It was a lonely place-but safe place.  I wanted to be left alone with my grief, bitterness, and hate because then, I couldn't hurt anybody and they couldn't hurt me.  To this day, I still don't know how to trust or feel around certain people.  But something happened.  Something that has burned it's story within the depths of my being.

Nick and I went to church like every other Sunday.  I smiled, hugged those who liked me to "check in" with them, and sat in the pew ready to play the part.  It was communion Sunday, and I was fully ready to pass the plate on as I had done the last 6 months.  And then, there was a voice that gently asked, "How much longer are you going to choose death over Me?"  Tears immediately began falling. Then there it was, this choice to continue choosing deaths deception or everlasting life.  I repented of my bitter spirit, hatred, and pain.  The picture of My Savior on the cross baring all My pain, my depression, and morbid sense of guilt, brought me to a place within my heart and soul that said, "No more.  I can do this no more." In that minute, the weight of this life lifted and I partook in the holy communion.  Worship became a driving need as I had suppressed it all those months.  We ended up singing the perfect song with the perfect line, "Oh the blood, it is my victory."

While there are still days that my Fathers death hits me like a two by four, I am reminded that I serve a Savior who conquered death.  Though Tim may be gone, his life story is still at work within the lives of his brothers, sisters, wife, children, and grandchildren-if we choose it to be.  Through this whole thing, I have learned that we have the power to give death or life total reign over our lives. I often find myself wondering, "What would Dad do? Choose to live a life surrounded by guilt and grief?  Or live a life worth living?"  I now know that if everyone in this world was taken from my life, I would still choose to live because I owe it to their memory and because I'm worth living for!  So, this Easter is very special to me as I celebrate the freedom and peace that only came from giving everything over to Papa-God.  I celebrate because this is a beautiful world, a beautiful life, and there's so much more to live!