Thoughts...

Thoughts while sitting in a hospital room.

Surrounded by beeping and technicolor spikes, tubes and needles, nurses with somber faces trying not to look into the family members red eyes, and lastly, the machine that is pumping precious oxygen into your lungs keeping you alive.  The up and down rhythm of this breathing machine seems too violent for your fragile little body.  Lifeless limbs, cold to the touch, warming your hands with our own when we're finally brave enough to touch.  Sitting with you in a comfortable silence while the thoughts in our head race, about the things we have yet to say and the grieving of things we should have said way before today.  Our tears fall quietly across the smiles that play on our lips, because we know if you saw them, you'd tell us to quickly not cry and "make a fuss over little 'ol me." Prays seem silly when they say, "it's just a waiting game," yet we know the Father's plan and our own are not always the same.

Something deep inside tells me not to cry, to be strong for the one beside me, while you try to fly.  Something deep inside me mourns for the children you have yet to meet, I selfishly pray for a few more years of healthy heart beats.  Something deep inside hurts and angers me, why does death always always ask such a hefty fee?

Sitting in a hospital room typing away on my mac, thinking of days I'll never get back.  Precious time spent, working to pay the rent.  Are we happy with the choices we make?  Do we spend our days "being real" or just plain fake?  Something inside tells me there's so much more than this, days spent in agony, days spent in bliss.  Ready to take the next step at any rate, not worrying about my destiny or fate.