#186 of 365~Still Reflecting on a REAL Journey

After we told our families, we set out to wait two painfully long weeks for the ultrasound that would change our lives.  Those two weeks seriously felt longer than the last 9 years!  Still not wanting to "set myself up,"  I spent those two weeks preparing for the worst news because I knew deep down that this had not worked.

This is where I will not apologize for my beliefs or faith.  Because you know what?  It's truly what got me through-the little bit I had left.  Not my amazing hubby who should win an award by the way for surviving a hormonal-crazed wife while dealing with his own thoughts and feelings, not the family members who encouraged us and prayed for us, not my friends, not my career-which I lost myself in several times, and lastly, not even myself. Even though I'm a strong confident woman, this shook me to my core and  and I firmly believe that there is a special place in the Father's heart for women AND men who've lost a child.  HE knows EXACTLY how you feel.  Dealing with the physicality of what I thought was happening, took me to place I never want to visit again.

The night before our ultrasound, I laid in bed staring at the ceiling trying to feel some confirmation either way.  Nothing happened.  When Nick came to bed he placed his hand on my stomach-like he had done every night since the procedure-and lead us in a prayer of thanksgiving.  This is where overwhelming shame tends to hit me.  I've always believed that the Father would answer our prayers for children, it's just that I didn't think it would or could happen this way.  I had put a wall up between myself and the God I had always believed in.  Realizing that I spoke words of comfort to others when needed because that's what expected, but never really believing comfort could come for me.  My view of God radically changed that night as a small whisper said, "Why can't I do this for you? Who are you that I can't move mountains for?  My Son died for you just as much as the next hurting mother to be."  It was a real look at how I viewed myself and why I've always believed others deserved better than me.

This is where my questions of do you see me?  Do you hear my plea?  Turned into thanking Him for knowing MY name and being there just for ME in a world with so much need.  Do you know He's there for you too?  It's the most incredible gift.  The next morning, we were quiet and ready to go half an hour early.  Our car's front axle broke on our way to the appointment-$3,000-and this was after we had just paid the final payment the day before.  If this was any indication of how our appointment was going to be, we were going to have to hold every thought captive to remain positive.

This appointment was so different.  The fertility clinic's waiting room was full-like it always was.  So many couples waiting, nervous, trying not to loose it.  My heart broke for everyone of them. We had a different nurse, one whose personality can ONLY be described as bubbly and painstakingly happy.  I was highly annoyed by her cutesy voice and figured this was just one more thing to chalk up to the day.  I was not happy, I was not curious, I was subdued and just wanting to get it over with.

I had told myself, "you will see a blob on the screen but don't believe until you hear a heartbeat."  And that's exactly what happened.  The blob on the screen was my "baby" and yet, none of the black and white image made sense.  Then she turned a dial and the strongest most beautiful sound in the whole world burst forth.  My baby had a heartbeat.  My baby was alive.  My baby was real.  Even now I can barely say the words let alone write them without being in complete awe and shock.  I still can't say the words as my heart is so overwhelmed by the miracle that was knitted within my womb.  Yes, I cried. Nick says he "teared up," but we just sat there listening and smiling.  We are having a baby!