#184 of 365~Reflecting on a REAL Journey

It seems as if I was always destined to write this post. Yet, if you would have asked me a year ago about God answering our prayers for children, I probably would not have been as awed and humbled as I am now.  For 11 years, Nick and I have shared our lives together in marriage, praying together, and learning the value of communication in hard times and good. We have stood by each others side as we each faced multiple health issues, surgeries, and medications that left us exhausted and moody. Yet, we would not change a single thing about our time together.

8 of the 11 years was spent in agony never knowing if we would be able to have children of our own. While we are 100% supportive and looked into adoption twice and denied for foster care, we always believed and prayed that we would be able to see children of our flesh come to fruition.  It was rough.  Long nights of prayer and early morning sob-feats, arguments about waiting or not waiting, multiple trips to the alter asking God if He saw us and our desire for children.  We had so many family members, friends, and church family, come alongside us in prayer and encouragement, while others kept their distance for whatever reason.

Every month seemed to bring a pregnancy announcement or new baby in our life.  Instead of mourning our loss and staying away from the life that God so graciously gave to another, we reveled in their new little lives, celebrated their existence, and prayed that one day these kiddos would be responsible individuals who would influence the children we knew were coming.  My biggest advice to those hurting in their waiting period for children-don't keep these new little ones at bay, you may find healing within their little hands.

The time finally came to make a decision when my doctor said I had until I was 35 to get pregnant-right after I turned 31.  I immediately begin to mourn as we did not not have the funds nor the medical insurance to cover InVitro cost.  Yet Nick was determined to make it work as we would "never" have an opportunity again.  We worked hard getting 100% out of debt-except for our car and house-and saved up enough money where we could pay $15,000 cash of the $25,000 costs.  *The reason we want to bring up costs and getting debt-free is because IT IS POSSIBLE!*  Friends and family chipped in and helped with another $5,000 which only left $5,000 of the entire cost on a credit card.

We met with a fertility specialist in April and began the tedious regime of medications, shots, diet changes, counting, and doctor appointments.  Needless to say, it was ROUGH.  The whole time I kept asking, "God, do you see us down here struggling?  Do you hear our prayers, understand our needs?" We would go to church and I would be hurt and angry.  Yet, every time God found a way to speak to us either from a word or a song or a speaker.  More time than not, I found comfort from individuals I didn't even know were praying for us or following our story.  Multiple times strangers would come to us with a word or tell us about a dream we were in-and we were pregnant.  It may sound strange, but we took each one and believed God would do considerably more than we could ask.

I began to cling to two specific verses in the Bible and would remind God-and myself-about the promises He had given us.  The first one came a couple years ago when I lost my left ovary and filopian tube to endometriosis and they gave me until 35 before I would lose my second one.  Ephesians 3:20 "Now all glory to God, who is able, through his mighty power at work within us, to accomplish infinitely more than we might ask or think." I even tattooed the word "believe" where the ovary was to remind myself that while it didn't make sense, I WOULD birth one of my babies. 

And this is where I will leave you, me, struggling to believe. Check out tomorrows post to read about the rest of our journey.