#173 of 365~Dear Dad~Year Number One

Dear Dad,

It has been an entire year since you left us and it's been the hardest year of my life!  No one is the same without you,  no one knows how to do this life without you-and yet, here we are.  A year later.  We tried, trust me dad, we tried. It's just been so hard to to move forward when there's a giant void in our lives.  Each one breaking down the way he or she must, others pulling away because it hurts to much.  Some quiet about their grief and some loud.  We all reaching out into the universe, for some piece of you. Yet, we each have quietly grieved to, on our own whens no ones watching.  Asking "why" for the millionth time, staining our pillow with tears or using it to muffle our screams.

Which is why this year has been the hardest for me.  I suddenly felt a weight loaded on my shoulders after being told to, "Buck up.  Your one of the oldest, take care of your family now."  A weight I still carry whenever I see their faces.  I feel like I have not done the best by them and yet, didn't and still don't know what to do.  My relationships across the board shifted over night.  I saw and was  surprised to find out who my "true blues" were.  The only real stability in my life is your son-n-law.  Constantly by my side, crying along with me in the moments that hurt the most.  Nick grieves in his own way and yet, talks about you constantly to anyone who will listen. You weren't just a father figure to him, but a mentor and friend.

What I miss the most is your consistency, your honesty, and your hugs.  There is nothing more in the world that I want at this moment in my life then to have your arms wrapped around me for a squeeze and to feel your scruff against my cheek.  To know your sturdiness once more and hear sincere, honest words.  I want to know what you think about Nick and I and our decision to try Invitro, catch you up on our career paths, and let you know I'm still going to school-I'll graduate one day, I promise!  I want to hear you rant about how poorly your Bills are playing and how the recent batch of buffalo wings you ate is giving you heartburn, but they were the best.  I wouldn't even mind listening to your play by play of hunting stories and activities with Scott and Muchi.  Most of all, I just want to hear you say, "I Love You," one more time.

And I guess in a strange way I did hear you say it.  In the shape of a deer traipsing through the middle of the forest at 3:00 in the afternoon.  Nick and I just stood there, watching the light shift amongst the shadows of brilliant fall leaves. There was a whisper of quiet and then the loud crunching sounds that only come with the weight of a four legged forest animal.  It's ear perked up and it's eyes bore into mine.  I started crying, sobbing really, and it just stood there watching me as Nick's arms once again circled around me. Only you dad, only you. 

Let me say, this was truly a moment full of you.
I miss you and love you too~Your "Kid"