Another Chapter Closes

It has been a little over a month.  So many of you have been afraid to ask or if you do ask, your not prepared for the answer.  This summer, Nick and I once again prepared to write another chapter in our baby story.  We found out that the one thing we always worried about-money-would be pretty much taken care of through our new insurance plan.  We began praying feverishly, hoping, and believing that our dream of expanding our family would finally happen.  The long road of IVF began in June.  Nick went in for his surgery, I went for mine, and then, the insane amount of drugs used to get myself ready for the transfer began.  There were 4 eggs retrieved and only 2 survived.  We were given the option of performing embryo biopsies this time around due to my last two miscarriages. It's insane how far science has come and even harder to wrap our brains around it. We consulted our family friend and doctor, prayed with our pastors, and discussed into the wee hours of the night.  The risk far outweighed anything positive in my mind so therefore, we did not continue with the biopsies. Within nine days, two embryos were transferred and I was pregnant!  Imagine our joy that we were going to have another baby, Eloise would finally have a sibling, and that we could lay this journey to rest.

Two days after the news, my body began signaling the all too familiar signs that I was once again experiencing a miscarriage.   It was a harrowing experience as I passed the baby while at work.  I was alone this time around.  No one crying with me, holding my hand, or prepared to "catch" my little one.  I went home keeping my secret praying to God that I had misunderstood and that the next day's blood work would come back positive.  Unfortunately, that did not happen.  Nick, who had been a strong sturdy rock of faith through the two months, became still, quiet, and angry.  I was extremely emotional-mostly due to hormones, disappointed, and felt like a failure for a third time.  The days, the weeks that followed have been some of the darkest in my life and hardest in our marriage. Our faith took a hit and those around us questioned, took steps back from us, and wondered if we had gone too far.

So, here we are. Finally feeling like we are breathing above water, and loving every minute of the gift God has already given us. Eloise has been our brightest spot throughout all this and we are daily reminded of our precious time with her.  She is growing so fast and becoming her own person.  I thank God she was spared knowing what went on around her, but know her little heart yearns to be a big sister.  She is constantly praying for the babies in her life and asks us for a little brother.  It is hard to know how to answer her and most times, I try to distract her so we can talk about something else. However, we love her little heart and the compassion she shows for the little ones in her life.  We do  not shy away from those who are pregnant or currently with babies, but it is hard to watch her tenderly love on those who cross our path. She has so much love to give!

So, where are we now?  We are quietly closing this chapter and taking some time to decide if our Waiting For Baby Stories is over.  We are praying and seeking God's will for our lives and learning to just be a family of three.  We are growing through the pain and know our roots are stronger than ever.

#272 of 365~Pumpkin Carving

  Annual Family Pumpkin Carving

It was a cool Autumn night as we gathered together to carve pumpkins, share laughs, create piles of nachos, and just be a family.  Eloise had no idea what was going on, but you could tell she was excited as the festivities took place and was most definitely loved on by everyone in the family.

Daddy was in charge of Eloise's little pumpkin and created two big eyes as a remembrance of all that she has seen in her little life so far.

Our Pumpkins.

#271 of 365~Dear Dad-Year Number Two

Dear Dad,

Guess what?  Your a Papa.  This year was the hardest year without you yet and I don't think it will get any easier.  My heart was torn when we received the news that we were finally pregnant.  Torn because we found out last October 20th, the day that I will always fear when Autumn begins to blow in.  I was so excited and grateful for this gift as it came when we needed it the most and yet, you were not there to celebrate with us.  We rejoiced in the miracle baby that we all have waited for. The baby that you told us to "go after," the baby you "talked to God about" because you didn't "pray," the baby I know who would've melted your heart-My daughter, Eloise.

I wish you could see Nick and I as parents.  The way my belly expanded and how doting Nick was, I know you would have had a field day with all your jokes. To share every appointment and ultrasound with you-even though I did dial your number a couple times after appointments thinking to myself, "I have to tell dad!"  I wish you could have been there at the hospital and watch as Nick placed her in my arms.  I know your eyes would well-up with tears and you would clear your throat as to not give your emotions away.  You would have beamed ear-to-ear with that goofy grin of yours when it was your turn to hold her.

Nick and I have talked how you were always so proud of us and not ashamed to tell us either.  As children, as grown children, we still need to hear that from our Fathers.  When we talked, you would listen.  Really listen.  We still need that too.  Nick wonders if you would've thought about when I was a baby when holding Eloise and I wonder how many times you would have laughed at me by now being the new mother that I am.  Would I make you proud?  Would you see how hard I'm trying to be a good mother, Nick a good father?  How hard we are working at showing Eloise the beauty of this world amongst the pain?  We wonder....

This last Tuesday, I spent the day telling Eloise about her Papa.  We spent time together, just her and I and ended up at the house for lunch with Grandma and the Aunties and Uncles.  Being in your house does not cause me pain like some would think it would. Eloise met Muchi, your old hunting buddy from South Carolina, and took a nap with Grandma. While it was a good day, it ended in tears as Nick and I cradled Baby Girl between us talking about you.  We love you Dad and we promise Eloise will know about you and the amazing man you were.