Another Chapter Closes

It has been a little over a month.  So many of you have been afraid to ask or if you do ask, your not prepared for the answer.  This summer, Nick and I once again prepared to write another chapter in our baby story.  We found out that the one thing we always worried about-money-would be pretty much taken care of through our new insurance plan.  We began praying feverishly, hoping, and believing that our dream of expanding our family would finally happen.  The long road of IVF began in June.  Nick went in for his surgery, I went for mine, and then, the insane amount of drugs used to get myself ready for the transfer began.  There were 4 eggs retrieved and only 2 survived.  We were given the option of performing embryo biopsies this time around due to my last two miscarriages. It's insane how far science has come and even harder to wrap our brains around it. We consulted our family friend and doctor, prayed with our pastors, and discussed into the wee hours of the night.  The risk far outweighed anything positive in my mind so therefore, we did not continue with the biopsies. Within nine days, two embryos were transferred and I was pregnant!  Imagine our joy that we were going to have another baby, Eloise would finally have a sibling, and that we could lay this journey to rest.

Two days after the news, my body began signaling the all too familiar signs that I was once again experiencing a miscarriage.   It was a harrowing experience as I passed the baby while at work.  I was alone this time around.  No one crying with me, holding my hand, or prepared to "catch" my little one.  I went home keeping my secret praying to God that I had misunderstood and that the next day's blood work would come back positive.  Unfortunately, that did not happen.  Nick, who had been a strong sturdy rock of faith through the two months, became still, quiet, and angry.  I was extremely emotional-mostly due to hormones, disappointed, and felt like a failure for a third time.  The days, the weeks that followed have been some of the darkest in my life and hardest in our marriage. Our faith took a hit and those around us questioned, took steps back from us, and wondered if we had gone too far.

So, here we are. Finally feeling like we are breathing above water, and loving every minute of the gift God has already given us. Eloise has been our brightest spot throughout all this and we are daily reminded of our precious time with her.  She is growing so fast and becoming her own person.  I thank God she was spared knowing what went on around her, but know her little heart yearns to be a big sister.  She is constantly praying for the babies in her life and asks us for a little brother.  It is hard to know how to answer her and most times, I try to distract her so we can talk about something else. However, we love her little heart and the compassion she shows for the little ones in her life.  We do  not shy away from those who are pregnant or currently with babies, but it is hard to watch her tenderly love on those who cross our path. She has so much love to give!

So, where are we now?  We are quietly closing this chapter and taking some time to decide if our Waiting For Baby Stories is over.  We are praying and seeking God's will for our lives and learning to just be a family of three.  We are growing through the pain and know our roots are stronger than ever.