#173 of 365~Dear Dad~Year Number One

Dear Dad,

It has been an entire year since you left us and it's been the hardest year of my life!  No one is the same without you,  no one knows how to do this life without you-and yet, here we are.  A year later.  We tried, trust me dad, we tried. It's just been so hard to to move forward when there's a giant void in our lives.  Each one breaking down the way he or she must, others pulling away because it hurts to much.  Some quiet about their grief and some loud.  We all reaching out into the universe, for some piece of you. Yet, we each have quietly grieved to, on our own whens no ones watching.  Asking "why" for the millionth time, staining our pillow with tears or using it to muffle our screams.

Which is why this year has been the hardest for me.  I suddenly felt a weight loaded on my shoulders after being told to, "Buck up.  Your one of the oldest, take care of your family now."  A weight I still carry whenever I see their faces.  I feel like I have not done the best by them and yet, didn't and still don't know what to do.  My relationships across the board shifted over night.  I saw and was  surprised to find out who my "true blues" were.  The only real stability in my life is your son-n-law.  Constantly by my side, crying along with me in the moments that hurt the most.  Nick grieves in his own way and yet, talks about you constantly to anyone who will listen. You weren't just a father figure to him, but a mentor and friend.

What I miss the most is your consistency, your honesty, and your hugs.  There is nothing more in the world that I want at this moment in my life then to have your arms wrapped around me for a squeeze and to feel your scruff against my cheek.  To know your sturdiness once more and hear sincere, honest words.  I want to know what you think about Nick and I and our decision to try Invitro, catch you up on our career paths, and let you know I'm still going to school-I'll graduate one day, I promise!  I want to hear you rant about how poorly your Bills are playing and how the recent batch of buffalo wings you ate is giving you heartburn, but they were the best.  I wouldn't even mind listening to your play by play of hunting stories and activities with Scott and Muchi.  Most of all, I just want to hear you say, "I Love You," one more time.

And I guess in a strange way I did hear you say it.  In the shape of a deer traipsing through the middle of the forest at 3:00 in the afternoon.  Nick and I just stood there, watching the light shift amongst the shadows of brilliant fall leaves. There was a whisper of quiet and then the loud crunching sounds that only come with the weight of a four legged forest animal.  It's ear perked up and it's eyes bore into mine.  I started crying, sobbing really, and it just stood there watching me as Nick's arms once again circled around me. Only you dad, only you. 

Let me say, this was truly a moment full of you.
I miss you and love you too~Your "Kid" 

#172 of 365~Homecoming Week at BT

It was Homecoming Week at Brownell Talbot, which means five days of dressing up!

However, my favorite dress up day is always our Blue and Gold Day!

Usually Homecoming is an event at our school that comes and goes for me, but this year, it was VERY different!  As the head of Service Learning for Brownell, it's my goal to help our kids think about ways to help our two school partners-Completely Kids and YES-Youth Emergency Services. So, for homecoming, students and their families were asked to donate diapers and wipes to YES in return for entrance to the game.  The opposing team was asked to do the same as well!  When patrons came with their donation, they were then allowed to "vote" on the house float they liked best.  The House with the most donations get points, and hopefully leads them to the House Cup.  (yes, it sounds and is set up just like Harry Potter)  Check out these creative floats!!!

Homecoming at Brownell also is an opportunity for Alumni to come back to campus, see the improvements, meet up with old friends, and enjoy the Brownell Talbot Raiders under  Friday night lights.  Nick decided to meet up with a few of his friends and say hello to some teachers.

After the Raiders won, we carted off all the donations to YES.  It was overwhelming to see the generosity of the Raider family and I know the individuals receiving the donations will be blessed and grateful.

For more information about Brownell Talbot School and YES, please check the following links:

http://www.brownell.edu

http://www.yesomaha.org

#169 of 365~IVF

Friday morning we awoke early, excited, and nervous. It was the day of our final IVF procedure. It took all of ten minutes-seriously. It was uncomfortable and emotional. Nick just kept smiling as he suited up, ecstatic to get this "show on the road."  I on the other hand, was trying to remain controlled and somewhat detached. Our doctor was amazing and the nurses kind and grandmotherly. Two embryos were inserted with three frozen for a later date. After the procedure, I went home and put my feet up for the rest of the day.  Nick's been super sweet waiting on me and grinning at me, besotted with the idea of what we hope is to come. It's been a precious time, just us two, dreaming and hoping that these little guys come into fruition.

We are so appreciative for the prayers that have been said, the food that's been dropped off, the flowers and visits, and donations towards our journey. Thank you for being apart of our story, we can't wait to share the next chapter with you! 

Continue following our story at: http://www.gofundme.com/7s7zms